Joke Of The Day

Left Lane · Veteran Member

Joke Of The Day

Date: Nov 20, 2006

Great joke, and aspects of your golf course joke, especially the "Getting rich at the expense of the people" part, reminds me of the local political stench around here - post offices, water parks, jails, civic centers, technology centers and more - and according to word on the street, wait until you see who ends up selling the land that the new Golf Course will go on. Of course, they will only be "short term" owners.

Date: Dec 3, 2006

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Falujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that Senator Ted Kennedy is a good-for-nothing, fat, left wing
liberal drunk. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like a
frigid, mean spirited lesbian!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mrs. Clinton!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck
hit us."

Date: Dec 3, 2006

Here is the 21st Century version -

A U.S. Marine squad was marching north of Falujah when they came upon an
Iraqi terrorist, badly injured and unconscious.

On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but
less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was
given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had
happened.

The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway
here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and
both took cover in the ditches along the road.

"I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein is a miserable, lowlife scumbag, and he
yelled back that Representative Tom DeLay is a good-for-nothing, corrupt, right wing
conservative hypocrite. So I said that Osama Bin Ladin dresses and acts like an
insecure, frigid, mean spirited, godless dictator who uses others to do his dirty work!"

He retaliated by yelling, "Oh yeah? Well, so does Mr. Bush!"

"And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a Halliburtin
Ice Cream Truck hit us."

Date: Dec 3, 2006

I like the 21st Century version much better. One of the only groups that have won in Iraq is Haliburton.

Date: Dec 4, 2006

Anonymous wrote:

I like the 21st Century version much better. One of the only groups that have won in Iraq is Haliburton.

No one can even post a simple joke on this site let alone anything else unless it's screwed with. Where did this Haliburton ice cream truck thought come from? A better thought would be a contaminated water truck servicing our troups True happining. Only a child would come up with ice cream. The joke obviously whent over your head.

Date: Dec 4, 2006

Democratic National Convention Schedule

Boston, Massachusetts

6:00 PM - Opening Flag Burning Ceremony
6:05 PM - Pledge of Allegiance to the U.N.
6:15 PM - Secular Prayers by Rev. Jesse Jackson and Rev. Al Sharpton
6:30 PM - Antiwar Concert by Barbara Streisand
6:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
7:00 PM - Tribute to France
7:10 PM - Collect Offerings for al-Zawahri Defense Fund
7:25 PM - Tribute to Germany
7:45 PM - Antiwar Rally (Moderated by Michael Moore)
8:25 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
8:30 PM - Terrorist Appeasement Workshop
9:00 PM - Roundtable Discussion of Taxes: "Calling for Higher Taxes on Others While You Pay None"
9:15 PM - Bill & Hillary Clinton Host a Seminar on "The Successful Selling of White House & Air Force One Mementos on eBay"
9:20 PM - Gay Marriage Ceremony (Both Male and Female Couples)
9:30 PM - * Intermission * Special Guest Soloist Jane Fonda
10:00 PM - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10 PM - Reenactment of Kerry's Fake Medal Toss
10:20 PM - Howard Dean Screamfest 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30 PM - Seminar: "The Boy Scouts and Other Paramilitary threats to National Security"
10:40 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
10:45 PM - Abortion Demonstration (NARAL)
11:00 PM - Multiple Gay Marriage Ceremony (Threesomes, Mixed and Same-Sex)
11:15 PM - 'Maximizing Welfare' Workshop
11:30 PM - 'Free Saddam' Pep Rally
11:50 PM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:00 AM - Kerry-Edwards 2004 Sealed With A Kiss
12:01 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast
12:02 AM - Ted Kennedy Proposes a Toast

Date: Dec 5, 2006

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I like the 21st Century version much better. One of the only groups that have won in Iraq is Haliburton.

No one can even post a simple joke on this site let alone anything else unless it's screwed with. Where did this Haliburton ice cream truck thought come from? A better thought would be a contaminated water truck servicing our troups True happining. Only a child would come up with ice cream. The joke obviously whent over your head.

I thought it was a pretty good comeback. I think their point is that Haliburton has done everything in Iraq and made tons of money on the war. A Haliburton Ice Cream Truck has about as much to do with the war as you calling Hillary Clinton a lesbian. Like you said, it's a joke - you can dish it out but you can't take it? I think only a child would get all worked up over getting their silly joke topped.

Date: Dec 5, 2006

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I like the 21st Century version much better. One of the only groups that have won in Iraq is Haliburton.

No one can even post a simple joke on this site let alone anything else unless it's screwed with. Where did this Haliburton ice cream truck thought come from? A better thought would be a contaminated water truck servicing our troups True happining. Only a child would come up with ice cream. The joke obviously whent over your head.

I thought it was a pretty good comeback. I think their point is that Haliburton has done everything in Iraq and made tons of money on the war. A Haliburton Ice Cream Truck has about as much to do with the war as you calling Hillary Clinton a lesbian. Like you said, it's a joke - you can dish it out but you can't take it? I think only a child would get all worked up over getting their silly joke topped.

Both you guys sound silly who the f--- cares this whole site is silly. Bunch of red necks struggling over land and power in a one horse town. Makes me wonder though why the second poster changed the first post of this joke by taking out the lesbian. Hummmmmmm

Date: Dec 5, 2006

November 23, 2006
THANKSGIVING 2006: President's Sincere and Heartfelt Prayer of Thanks to America's Official (Christian) God

Dear God,

It's me, George. I'll give You a minute while You finish doing whatever You were doing. Like kissing buttercups yellow, or knitting clouds, or cleaning stardust out of from under Your enormous, perfectly manicured fingernails with a thunderbolt while Sunni death squads drill holes in the heads of everyday Shiites and vice versa.

Still there? I know You are; I can always feel You inside me, Lord; it's not unlike when You got a tingly burning in Your urethra.

Your presence in my life is so important, Lord – especially when I'm abdicating all of my authority to bunch of super-smart fellas. Like former CIA Director told George Tenet told me that the invasion of Iraq would be a "slam dunk?" I just knew he was right, even though that nacho cheese-stuffed James Bond wannabe lied, I still knew that it would all work out anyway.

Which is why, Lord, on the occasion of this national holiday celebrating the wholesale plunder of Injun resources and plenty, I want to thank You, on behalf of the Republican Party. Thank You, Almighty, for all the wonderment and amazitude of Your ginormous and super-powered benevelacity. We bow before your greatness and offer the sacrifice of pride in order to praise You, for all You've done for us. With the exception of the recent mid-term elections; but You are great and all-knowing, and I'm sure it's a minor little burp in Your GOP-leaning grand scheme.

I am thankful for so much this year, Lord. I'm thankful that Vice President Cheney hasn't gone and shot up some ol' geezer's noggin again! Heh-heh-heh.

Seriously though, I am thankful for Vice President Cheney. He's a hell of a **** magnet, You know? So long as he's around, lurking in the shadows, yelling at me until I tear up, I will never appear half as evil as I really am.

I am thankful for the Iraqi people. They aren't "standing up" the way I had hoped, but if they keep killing each other by the six-pack the way they are, there might not be any terrorists left to torture.

I am thankful that right now, as we praise You, Donald Rumsfeld is getting the words "THUG LIFE" tattooed on his liver-spotted man teats. I'm gonna miss that mother****er.

I am thankful that, even though I sort of kind of helped kick him to the curb, Senator Trent Lott has ascended back into the Republican Congressional Leadership. In retrospect, maybe ol' Bill Frist was just too much a sycophantic **** biscuit. It just goes to show that the only Republicans you can openly trust are those who are straight-up racist ballers like Trent.

I am thankful that the Democratic Congress is already going at each other like pitbulls with bologna slices stapled to their snouts.

I am thankful that one of the last things you allowed me to do was rubberstamp a 700 mile fence on a 2,000 mile border. That'll keep those cocoa-hobbits from coming over to THIS country and propping up our economy.

I am super thankful that Senator John Kerry has been kicked out of the Democratic Leadership Nerd Club. Don't he look a little like Abraham Lincoln with AIDS?

I am thankful for this Democratic Congress, because when Iraq spirals EVEN MORE out of control over the next two years, history will spread the blame around for what is really my cluster****. I'm also thankful the pressure is off of me. I can now sit back and watch my legacy destroy the next generation.

I am thankful for former Representative Mark Foley, who proves that all immoral behavior can be excused by saying "I drink a little too much." From boy ****ing, to meth snorting, to the looting of the US Treasury by corporate lobbyists, Mark gave us an awesome out.

O Lord, You abandoned us this past November 7th, but we forgive Thee. At least, in anticipation of some great celestial favor you'll pay the GOP in 2008. I'm not saying You're not grateful, but don't forget who got their knees and sucked Your divine ****ing cock until You came comets and rainbows all over our face.

And everybody says,

A-MEN

Let's eat some stringy, tasteless turkey, bitches!

Angela B · Senior Member

Anonymous wrote:

Makes me wonder though why the second poster changed the first post of this joke by taking out the lesbian. Hummmmmmm

I'm sure they took out lesbian because they took out H Clinton, unless you think GW Bush might be a lesbian. I don't think GW even knows how to pronounce the word.

Date: Feb 24, 2007

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New
York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors
and the value of the product increase as the shopper ascends the
flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor,
or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down
except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

The second floor sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead
Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes on to the sixth
floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that
women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner also
opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The third through sixth floors have never been visited.
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